Should I tell Mistress?

[Svenskermanden 67]

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Hello dear forum visitors!

I write this post in English, to spare you my Swedish or a badly google-translated Danish - men du er velkommen til at svare på Dansk!

I have been seeing a Domina for a couple of months. She is a ProDomme, which means I pay her for her time during the sessions.

Over the past months we have built a strong connection and She has helped me immensely to learn new things about myself. She is a very important person in my life and I deeply cherish Her the bond we have.

But I also have other needs. I'd like to visit the beautiful women of Copenhagen, and the FKK clubs in Germany. The Domina and I haven't gone into any agreements or even discussed my life outside of our interactions, but I can't help but feel that I would be breaking a commitment (even though nothing has been spoken) if I do visit other ladies.

My gut feeling says that I should just bring it up for discussion at an appropriate time. If I did bring it up, I'd do what She suggest, regardless if She's fine with it or if She'd prefer I don't. But I worry that even having this discussion would affect the bond we built and our dynamic.

Maybe it would be better just to compartmentalize the Domina/sub relationship and the rest of my life into separate spheres, and just keep it to myself. But I don't feel right about keeping it secret as I'd be hiding something from Her. The Domina/sub relationship is built heavily on trust, and I don't want to gamble with it.

I know that the decision is my own in the end, but I'd like to get input from the many wise members of the forum to help me decide how to approach this predicamen I have put myself in.

Thank you!

[henlan 789]

Uanset hvilke aftaler du har lavet med din domina, så er der ingen, der ejer et andet menneske og har krav på at vide alt. Bedst du beholder dine hemmeligheder for dig selv. Du kan roligt dyrke dine andre interesser uden hendes vidende. Det er trods alt dit liv.

Redigeret 25. Februar af henlan

[Moden slikken M 383]

@Svenskermanden

I do not believe in 'compartmentalizing' your life. It will never work, trying to remember which 'compartment' you are in at a given time will stress you and you will at some time get it wrong anyway, and thereby expose yourself.

That said is it wise to discuss these urges with your domme ? Given that she is a professional you are not the only man she has relations with, in my terminology she is not a one man woman. You have described your urges for other women, at least of the professional type so I will presume that you on the other hand are not a one woman man.

What you describe paints a picture of a wise woman. It also gives me a feeling that you may believe that you have fallen in love with her. Anyhow I believe that there is no reason to beat about the bush, there is only one way to find out, raise the topic next tine you meet her,  maybe not the fallen in love with her but your urges for other women.

Through a long life I have learnt that one woman is not enough to satisfy my curiosity, my craving for variation, both in what we do together but also in shapes and sizes.

I have been with decidedly large women, I have lived with a shapely woman of 52 kg in proportion with the rest of her body for 46 years, and sampled the delights of petite Thai woman. All have given me different experiences that I would not have been without.

Especially professional women know that they are not 'the only one' in your life, and if they want it to be so, the intelligent ones will very quickly let you know.

[Jernsvinet 13402]

Svenskermanden skrev, for 7 timer siden:

My gut feeling says that I should just bring it up for discussion at an appropriate time. If I did bring it up, I'd do what She suggest, regardless if She's fine with it or if She'd prefer I don't.

Du bestemmer ikke over om hun må dominere andre mænd og heller ikke noget du kan tillade dig at blande dig i - ligeledes kan hun heller ikke bestemme over om du må se andre kvinder - og heller ikke noget hun kan blande sig i/behøver vide noget om.

[Den_glade_amatør 3861]

Jernsvinet skrev, for 3 timer siden:

Du bestemmer ikke over om hun må dominere andre mænd og heller ikke noget du kan tillade dig at blande dig i - ligeledes kan hun heller ikke bestemme over om du må se andre kvinder - og heller ikke noget hun kan blande sig i/behøver vide noget om.

Det var faktisk også mit udgangspunkt, men ved nærmere eftertanke er det jo lidt mere tricky, fordi det netop er et herskerinde/slave-forhold. Ved at tænke på, om han må få lov til andre kvinder, tager @Svenskermanden den relation en tand videre, idet dominansen så også rækker ud over de timer, han tilbringer med sin domina. Og mon ikke lige præcis det aspekt også tilfører seksuel spænding for ham? Måske i kombination med, at hvis han vælger at gøre alvor af at se andre, og efterfølgende beretter om det for dominaen, så må han imødese en ekstra hård straf.

Der er flere lag i denne problemstilling. Spændende nok, egentlig. @Svenskermanden, på et tidspunkt bliver du nødt til at følge din trådstart op med at fortælle, hvad du endte med at gøre.

[Svenskermanden 67]

@henlan @Moden slikken M @Jernsvinet @Den_glade_amatør
Thank you so much for all your input. I see your recommendations are as varied as my own thoughts on the subject 

Both ways of dealing with it has it's merits, but also disadvantages. In one way, as this is a paid relationship, I wouldn't really be obligated to inform Her of my activities. But on the other hand, I feel I want to be completely open and honest with my activities. But perhaps She also prefers to keep our relationship separate from our personal lives.

But, a Dominant woman (and She is completely Dominant to Her core) will usually want a certain level of devotion to be expressed. Especially when the relationship is a little more involved than just the physical sessions.

If I bring it up, I'm sure She'd say I can do what I want. But I can't help but worrying that it will anyways affect Her views and our dynamic.

But even a Dom/sub relationship should have some equality. If She requires complete submission (i.e. Ownership), then maybe I'm not the right sub for Her, and She's not the right Domme for me?

At the start of our relationship, I had actually booked a session with another Domina (before I met this Mistress). The session was planned to occur a few weeks after my first meeting with the Mistress. I asked her if She thought I should go ahead with it. She responded that it would be up to me, and that She didn't want to completely control my exploration and that She knew I'd come back to Her eventually  In the end, I cancelled the other appointment, as it felt right for me. I still have no desire to visit another Domina, but some nice and relaxing vanilla sex is something different, and something I know I will never have with Her. 

It's now over a month until our next session, so I will have plenty of time to think about the approach.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!

[Den_glade_amatør 3861]

Svenskermanden skrev, for 34 minutter siden:

But I can't help but worrying that it will anyways affect Her views and our dynamic.

But even a Dom/sub relationship should have some equality. If She requires complete submission (i.e. Ownership), then maybe I'm not the right sub for Her, and She's not the right Domme for me?

Det lyder til, at du i bund og grund har en stor tvivl om, hvor du vil sætte grænsen for, hvor meget du vil tillade hende at dominere dig. Og at du skal være den, som bestemmer grænsen, virker kontraintuitivt, når nu det er dig, som er slaven.

Du skriver dog samtidigt, at du faktisk har en grænse, som du ikke ønsker overskredet (ownership). Måske kan det hjælpe dig at overveje scenarier, som nærmer sig ownership, men ikke helt er det. Hvad nu hvis hun fx udøver Financial Domination, hvor du skal sende hende et vist beløb om ugen, uanset om I ses eller ej, vil det være ok med dig? Hvad hvis du beordres til at gå en tur med hende i det offentlige rum, hvor du samtidigt ydmyges i form af din påklædning eller på anden vis? Hvad hvis hun beordrer dig til sex med andre på en måde, du ikke bryder dig om? Ved at tænke eksempler som disse igennem, og lade tankerne herom få grobund i tilstrækkelig lang tid, bliver du måske klogere på, hvad du gerne vil og ikke vil være med til. Og dermed fortsat have en god dynamik med din domina. Hun ønsker vel også, at I kan fortsætte jeres nuværende forhold inden for købesexens rammer, tænker jeg.

God fornøjelse.

[Svenskermanden 67]

Den_glade_amatør skrev, for 2 timer siden:

Det lyder til, at du i bund og grund har en stor tvivl om, hvor du vil sætte grænsen for, hvor meget du vil tillade hende at dominere dig. Og at du skal være den, som bestemmer grænsen, virker kontraintuitivt, når nu det er dig, som er slaven.

Du skriver dog samtidigt, at du faktisk har en grænse, som du ikke ønsker overskredet (ownership). Måske kan det hjælpe dig at overveje scenarier, som nærmer sig ownership, men ikke helt er det. Hvad nu hvis hun fx udøver Financial Domination, hvor du skal sende hende et vist beløb om ugen, uanset om I ses eller ej, vil det være ok med dig? Hvad hvis du beordres til at gå en tur med hende i det offentlige rum, hvor du samtidigt ydmyges i form af din påklædning eller på anden vis? Hvad hvis hun beordrer dig til sex med andre på en måde, du ikke bryder dig om? Ved at tænke eksempler som disse igennem, og lade tankerne herom få grobund i tilstrækkelig lang tid, bliver du måske klogere på, hvad du gerne vil og ikke vil være med til. Og dermed fortsat have en god dynamik med din domina. Hun ønsker vel også, at I kan fortsætte jeres nuværende forhold inden for købesexens rammer, tænker jeg.

God fornøjelse.

Thank you for your message, and for highlighting a few types of domination that are worthwhile for me to consider.

Maybe we are now at a place in this D/s relationship where it is getting exceedingly important to set some rules for how She and I want to proceed.

Even as a sub, consent is important for the relationship to be manageable in the long term.

To revert to my original question, maybe a good discussion to have is what type and level of control She expects to have over different aspects of my personal life. Perhaps She will say that this is my own business, in which case I wouldn't have to bring up the touchy subject.

Thank you for providing this perspective!

[Madame Illona 1377]

Har aldrig forstået jer der falder for økonomisk Dominans IRL  Eller for den sags skyld online …. Hvor i ligger behovet for at blive “ejet” ?  og underlægge sig så meget så man betaler penge fast hver måned eller KUN må interagerer med 1 Domina og ikke tage kontakt med andre Dom’s Inger kan eje et andet menneske 100 %

[Madame Illona 1377]

Hvordan kan man opbygge “ et bånd mellem 2 mennesker “ online I don’t get it …. Alt er da så meget indbildning hvis man tror på det Mit råd er udforsk dine lyster in real life Alt andet er ren business fra hendes side Ærlig snak leve nu dit liv udlev din lyster med en virkelig Domina om det er KBH eller fkk Lad dig ikke styre sf et andet menneske du måske aldrig vil møde IRL 

[etspil5moden 317]

@Svenskermanden nope i don’t Think you should, or it’s up to you in the end. But you have as you mentioned other needs beside your sessions with her, as other mentioned she does not own you, or Well i don’t know what kind of relationsship you  and your domina has, i din’t know How that sub/dom relationsship really works but what i’m trying to say is, do whatever makes you feel god, visit FKK clubs, or an escort or your dom, do whatever you feel like doing 

[Svenskermanden 67]

Madame Illona skrev, for 3 timer siden:

Hvordan kan man opbygge “ et bånd mellem 2 mennesker “ online I don’t get it …. Alt er da så meget indbildning hvis man tror på det Mit råd er udforsk dine lyster in real life Alt andet er ren business fra hendes side Ærlig snak leve nu dit liv udlev din lyster med en virkelig Domina om det er KBH eller fkk Lad dig ikke styre sf et andet menneske du måske aldrig vil møde IRL 

Thank you for your input, it's very i good for me to read.

I just want to clarify that I have met this Domina on several occasions for sessions, so I know She is very real.

I also know that, at the bottom line, this is a business for her. Perhaps the "bond" is just an act from Her side, that I don't know. Us guys are very good at convincing ourselves that we have a connection with the GP's we meet. Sometimes I'm sure there might be something more than just the provider/client relationship. But other times I'm equally sure it's just very good acting. 

[Den lille frøken 1309]

Du kunne jo fortælle hende at du også har lyst til den seksuelle akt men er i tvivl om hvordan det vil påvirke hendes og din relation

For jeg tror nemlig ikke du i længden vil kunne holde det hemmeligt for hende at du har besøgt en gp. Du vil have et behov for at dele det med hende før eller siden og du vil martres af en slags dårlig samvittighed indtil det sker , at du får det fortalt.  Det er hvad jeg tror 

Så fortæl hende at du har et behov og måske - hvis i begge har et behov for at hun har fuld kontrol over dig 24/7 og du er så meget submissiv, så kan hun ovenikøbet bestemme hvilken gp du skal besøge. Hvis hun bestemmer det , får hun den fulde kontrol ( som du nok inderst inde hungrer efter at hun har )SAMTIDIG med at Du får dækket dit fysiske behov. Det er win win for jer begge og især for dig faktisk 

Redigeret 27. Februar af Den lille frøken

[Svenskermanden 67]

Den lille frøken skrev, for 5 timer siden:

Du kunne jo fortælle hende at du også har lyst til den seksuelle akt men er i tvivl om hvordan det vil påvirke hendes og din relation

For jeg tror nemlig ikke du i længden vil kunne holde det hemmeligt for hende at du har besøgt en gp. Du vil have et behov for at dele det med hende før eller siden og du vil martres af en slags dårlig samvittighed indtil det sker , at du får det fortalt.  Det er hvad jeg tror 

Så fortæl hende at du har et behov og måske - hvis i begge har et behov for at hun har fuld kontrol over dig 24/7 og du er så meget submissiv, så kan hun ovenikøbet bestemme hvilken gp du skal besøge. Hvis hun bestemmer det , får hun den fulde kontrol ( som du nok inderst inde hungrer efter at hun har )SAMTIDIG med at Du får dækket dit fysiske behov. Det er win win for jer begge og især for dig faktisk 

Thanks! These are really good thoughts. I'm also leaning towards honesty being the way to go actually.
I have decided that I will start by just asking how much insight into my personal life She is looking for. Depending on what She says, we will take the discussion further. I'm sure we will be able to find a way forward.

Really interesting idea of having Her pick a GP for me. Getting excited just thinking about it 

[Svenskermanden 67]

Hi again everyone! @henlan @Moden slikken M @Jernsvinet @Den_glade_amatør @Madame Illona @etspil5moden @Den lille frøken

I had a chat with Mistress where I asked whether She's at all interested in knowing about my personal life. She said that She indeed is interested to know - but also let me know it's really up to me what I want to share.

This is in line with how I have seen our relationship. After all, She's a ProDomme and with that I think there are slightly different rules to adhere to. She's never expressed the expectation that this is a 24/7 thing. And frankly, even though I do think about Her (almost) 24/7, I think the key for me to make this a long-term relationship is to allow myself a personal sphere.

With this in mind, I have decided that any ventures into paysex, and any sex with other women frankly, would not always be necessary to share with Mistress.

So for now, I will allow myself a personal sphere. This is for preserving my sanity and for giving me the best conditions to serve Her in the long term.

I thank you all for your input, and from the variety in responses I see your thoughts on the subject are as varied as my own